April 1: New Find Re-Writes Irish Pre-History

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New Find Re-Writes Irish Pre-History

A special report from Bill Watkins

The world of Irish archaeology was rocked last week with the revelation that Ireland was once populated by a pre-Celtic race of giants. The chance find of an ancient manuscript written in archaic Ogham reveals that these early migrants settled in the area around Knowth and were known as the Tellígh-Tubh-ís.

Mound-Dwellers

Standing an average of seven feet tall, the giants lived underground in enormous grass-domed mounds, many of which are still visible today along the banks of the Boyne River. The Tubh-ís seem to have been divided into four distinct social groups, much like the four tribes of Tara and distinguished from each other by the color of their tunics–red, yellow, green and purple–and ornate head pieces in the shape of horns, circles and triangles. The document also discloses that these tribes were led by great chieftains whose names are recorded as Tinci-uínci, Dipcii, Lá-lá and Po and a mysterious figure called the Noo-noo.

Tiochfaidh Ár Lá-lá

Queen’s University Belfast authority, Domhaill MacQuat, adds that, although no skeletal remains have been so far unearthed, the bones of gigantic rabbits have been found as well as the post hole of a windmill and several metallic instruments that look like some early form of periscope. He also states that, though little is known about their social habits, the manuscript imparts the notion of a carefree people who worshiped the “Leanbh-Ghrian” or “Sun-Child” and enjoyed running round to the sound of banjo music and indulging in group hugs whilst crying, “Aris – Aris!” (“Again – Again!”)

(TONIGHT: Bedlam at 9 pm!)

DON’T FORGET:
SCOTCH TASTING

The Whisky Wench will lead our next Single-Malt Scotch Tasting on Thursday, April 3, at 7:30 pm. More details to be published here on the site on Wednesday and Thursday morning.

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